Christian Dating Myths Debunked

Christian Dating Myth #107:
"You can serve God more as a single woman than when you're married."

TRUTH:
The truth is, in church world, you are more respected, taken more seriously and given more and better opportunities to serve, socialize, lead, and minister if you are married to some visibly Christian guy.

You've probably heard that myth before. It's the thing that Sis. Jenkins and Bro. Joe use to encourage singles and make us feel better about not being married (yet).

Sure, singles have more time on their hands (theoretically) to serve. It's like, "You're single. Of course you can work in the nursery for 4 services a weekend. After all, you don't have any kids or husband to tend to at home." So in that sense yes, singles could serve more. I'm thinking in terms of elevation and promotion. If there's a leadership or speaking opportunity available, time and time again at many churches I've seen across the nation, the preference is given to the MCG (Married to a Christian Guy) chick.

I call that statement a myth because I've noticed that in churches all over the country, married women get preferential treatment in terms of ministry, serving, and leadership over single women. There is a total stigma in being a single woman who wants to minister and lead in the church. At many churches, single women are relegated to background roles behind the married ones. (if they are permitted to lead at all) If you aspire to be at the highest level of leadership and servitude in the church, then some Christian brother had better have put a ring on it.

Some churches allow single women to lead. I know of a *former female classmate who had degrees in Pastoral Care and Biblical Studies from one of the country's best Christian universities. After graduation, she was hired to be on staff as some kind of minister. She was single at the time, but noticed once she got engaged and married to another young minister, her stock went through the roof. She found that she gained much more respect and opportunities for speaking and ministering. She also got to enter a social circle that she wasn't privy to before: the minster's wives clubs. She got to go to outings with "the girls" and get lots of mentorship, love, care and advice that she didn't get as a single. People seemed generally friendlier, warmer and nicer to her. She and her now husband got invited to socialize with the other minister's couples. Such invitations in her single past were few, unless it was for babysitting. It was like: "Now that you're married to someone we accept, we can now accept you. Now you can come join us at the big table for a meal."In the church world, her engagement and marriage elevated her ministerial opportunities, social status, and overall reception as a human being.

Sure, singles have more time on their hands (theoretically) to serve. It's like, "You're single. Of course you can work in the nursery for 4 services a weekend. After all, you don't have any kids or husband to tend to at home." So in that sense yes, singles can serve more. But I'm thinking in terms of elevation and promotion. If there's a leadership or speaking opportunity available, time and time again at many churches I've seen across the nation, the preference is given to the MCG (Married to a Christian Guy) chick.

I know of a few single women who are desirous and prayerful/holy enough to say, lead a mission trip to Argentina.(Not that i want to do that, because I so do not...)But few churches would ever give that opportunity to a single girl, or even 6 or 7 single girls with PhDs in Divinity. That position would go to a guy (married or not), or a married couple. But probably not a single (or army of) single girl(s). My heart really goes out to all of these anointed, gifted, on fire, godly, sold-out, passionate, single women who could be using their God-given gifts in more effective ways for the Kingdom. Instead of leading the way on the battlefield, they're in the nursery 8 services a weekend--till they get MCG, that is.

Sis. Jenkins and Bro. Joe need to get real and tell singles the real deal. Being single in the church can be incredibly disadvantageous. Sure, you work the nursery for 18 services a weekend, but there are so many singles who yearn for something much deeper. The truth is, in church world, you are more respected, taken more seriously, and given more and better opportunities to socialize, serve, lead, and minister if you are married to some visibly Christian guy. My question is, is that biblical? If you have some insight on it, let me know. :)

RDH


*certain identifying details have been changed to protect anonymity.

You're always on my mind!

Hey guys...
I haven't been posting here as much as I would like to. I've been exceptionally and wonderfully busy. Even with all of that, you're on my mind. I think about all of the single Christian people who don't have anyone for the holidays. I think about all of the young women who so geniunely await the day that they'll have children to decorate the tree with. I think about all of the single Christian guys who are passionately praying and hoping that someday soon, they'll have a sweetheart shower with presents.

All of these beautiful souls: prayerful, faithful, and serving, but yet longing, wistful, yearning, and lonely. When will it be my turn?

You are always on mind. I just wanted you to know that. I'm looking for a way to help you, to help all of us. Till then, Happy Holidays. This holiday season, I hope that you are surrounded by people who love you. I hope that you realize how truly awesome and beautiful your Heavenly Father made you. When inquiring minds want to know if you're seeing someone, and you're forced to give the reply that you'd really rather not, I hope you take it in stride with a smile. I hope you've been blessed. I hope you are asking your own questions. I hope you are prospering even as your soul prospers.


RDH

Sexy Church part II: Ladies, be hot!

Sexy Church, part II: Ladies, be hot!

1 Samuel 16:7 - "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (NIV)

“You really seem to put a lot of emphasis on looks on your blog. What about character, personality? Looks aren’t the only the only thing that matter.”—Anonymous Comment

I agree with the anonymous comment. Looks aren’t the only thing that matter. But when it comes to getting a Christian man, Looks aren’t the only thing that matter: Looks are what matter MOST with a Christian guy.

I know, I know. If you’re anything like me, you were taught to be pure, holy, and modest and to ignore outward beauty. Pure, holy, modest were the characteristics that Christian guys look for most, according to every church person I’ve ever known. They never mentioned anything about being hot. Look nice, maybe, but not hot. In fact, be sure not to be hot, because that’s what women “of the world” are like.


So many Christian girls are taught to be holy, pure, perfect, all of that. I’ve read many articles and such that really stress the importance of not conforming to the world’s standard of beauty, and how we should mostly focus on the inner beauty and our inward selves. Many Christian girls get the wrong message that looks mean nothing- and never cultivate a sense of stylishness. People who adhere to the “looks don’t matter” school of Christian womanhood often cite: Proverbs 31:30 - "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."(NIV)
I don’t think this scripture is saying to NOT be beautiful.

Having inner beauty is wonderful. But none of that will matter to a Christian guy if you don’t look good. You can be the holiest girl in church, but if you don’t look good to the Christian guy, then you probably will remain single until you start looking better.

So many Christian guys date and marry girls from outside of church. Why? Because a lot church girls aren't as attractive as the girls outside of it. I spoke to a Christian guy who says so many girls in church could look better, but just don't bother. "It's like they don't even try to look good. I'm praying for a woman is godly and who looks good to me. I'm not saying that you have to look like Beyonce, but effort is very important.


The first thing that Christian guys look for is a beautiful, hot, girl. Who also happens to be Christian. Don’t believe me?

Ask any Christian guy who’s in love and say, “Hey there, Christian brother. What attracted you to her?” He might say her godliness or something. But church has lots of godly women. So why her and not one of the other multitudes of single women at church? Chances are, he chose the hottest girl that he could get. He might not readily admit it, he might not be totally aware of it, but looks are number one. This previous weekend, I met 2 newly engaged couples from a megachurch. If you’ve been reading my blog, then I don’t even have to break down the demographics of the girls who got engaged. Church guys pick the hottest Christian girl that they can get-plain and simple. Their definition of ‘hot’ depends on their culture.

Think about it.
Look at every young, male minister, pastor, church leader who has a girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. What do they look like? I’ve never seen a cute church leader guy with an overweight, single mother, not cute by whatever cultural standards they live by girl. At my church, there are a few young church leader guys who are still single.
My guess is, they’ll marry a similar type of girl that all of the other church leaders in my church have married: single, slender Sprites, who are 5+ years younger. That’s the dominant culture of my church, so I imagine that the single guys will continue the trend. That’s kind of how things go. If you fit that mold, then you don’t have much to worry about. But if you look around your church, and you don’t fit the size, racial, cultural, age, and educational demographic of the people who are getting married, then you need to:
A. Get a makeover
B. Hit up the gym
C. Socialize with some people who marry your race (if race is an issue)
D. Socialize with guys who are more educated than you

I’ve always been a non-conformist by nature. So it’s a little strange to preach conformity to societal norms, especially in the areas of how a woman should think or behave. My style would be described unconventional, quirky, and unique. I saw my style as an expression of my artistic creativity, and felt like it expressed who I “truly was.” And guess what? I was single. Painfully single and confused. “Hey! How come no guy appreciates my quirky style?” I’d see lots of quirky girls with boyfriends, so I didn’t understand. But then, it kinda hit me on the head: I’m a Coke quirky girl. Most quirky guys are Sprites. Sprite guys usually don’t pursue relationships with Coke girls. The six quirky Coke guys that are out there are with quirky Sprite girls. Come to think of it, except for Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz, I’d never seen a quirky Coke couple ever in my life! At all of the rock concerts, used bookstores, off the wall coffee shops, poetry slams, and art festivals-had I even seen a quirky Coke girl with a guy? Hmmm…

Maybe if I changed my style up, I would get guys’ interest?

Guess what happened? I changed my style; I got more guys’ interest. Well, I changed a lot more than my style, but more on that later. Goodbye, Chuck Taylors! Auf Wiedersehen, band t-shirts! Hello contact lenses, and Forever 21! I found a style that worked for my body shape. It was about a year long process of changing my style. And you know what? I really like it. I feel like I’m looking much more stylish and pretty, and expressing my creative side as well.


Many Christian girls never cultivate a sense of stylishness because they’ve been taught that doing so is the antithesis of serving God. On about.com guide for Christian teens:
I read this:
Yet, we need to keep appearance in perspective. The Bible tells us that it is important to present ourselves as nicely as possible, but God does not call us to go to extremes. It is important that we remain aware of why we do the things we do to look good. Ask yourself two questions:
· Does your focus on your appearance take your eyes off the Lord?
· Are you more focused on your weight, clothes, or makeup than you are on God?
If you answered, "Yes," to either of the questions then you may need to take a closer look at your priorities. The Bible tells us to look closer at our hearts and actions rather than our presentation and appearance.
It’s a good message for teenage girls to hear. But I’m not talking to teenage girls, I’m talking to grown women who desire and are ready for a godly husband. Maybe you were one of those girls (like me) who didn’t really cultivate a sense of style as a teen because you we’re trying to be holy. Let me shock you: You can be a holy woman of God and look stylish, chic, and dare I say it-sexy! There are quite a few girls at my church who dress in modern, cute styles and who always look fly. But then there are those who don’t. I was one of the “don’ts” for a long time.

The point is, if you want to attract Christian guys (but haven’t been able to) then you may have let some things go and adapt a more stylish, hot, approach to your style. I don’t care if you love long floral print skirts. If you really want your Facebook status to say “in a relationship” then you may have to trade those in for some skinny jeans and boots. I don’t care if you’ve worn your hair in the same-old bland ponytail since 6th grade or whatever. I don’t care if you’ve never dyed your hair, worn contacts, or make up. Now’s the time to change up!

Don’t cling to those things that you consider your identity. Your identity is in Christ. So look stylish, young, cool, and hot! I’m not telling you to dress seductively, revealing, or suggestively. But if you can look a whole lot better, go for it! If you would lose 10 pounds for your wedding day, why not give yourself a head start? Lose 10 pounds like, now.

That’s what a Christian guy wants-he wants to be able to look at you like you’re a blessing from God. Do you look Heaven-sent? If not, now’s the time to change!

Looks are what draw the Christian guy to you. There should be more to you than your looks. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating the importance of your appearance!
Bait that hook ladies and look your hottest!

Love,
RDH

I'm encouraging you!

Some one asked me, "What are you trying to do with your blog? Are you trying to discourage people?"

No, not at all. On the contrary!

I'm encouraging you! That's what this blog is all about, encouraging you try something new in your love life.

Yes, I talk about stats and facts that appear discouraging. I'm telling you this because there are roadblocks that stand in your path to relationships/marriage. These are roadblocks that maybe your pastor, parent, other leader probably aren't even aware of. I'm telling you about these roadblocks so that you can overcome them. You have to know your enemy in order to defeat your enemy. You have to hope against hope. You have to know what you're up against in order to stage the best offensive attack that you can.

This battle is spiritual and physical. I'm telling you what you're up against so you wage a better spiritual battle! I'm saying all of these things so that you, like Abraham, can hope against hope. (Hebrews 11) You've got to be like a spiritual ninja. The Word is your sword that you have got to use to slice up the lies of the enemy.

I'm helping you be aware of hindrances so that you can avoid them in Jesus' name. That's my goal.

I'm encouraging you to go forth, like Ruth.
I'm encouraging you to take bold, faith-filled steps in the direction of relationships.
I'm encouraging you analyze your particular and unique dating situation.
I'm encouraging you to let go of erroneous teachings (from man) and cling to God's truth.
I'm encouraging you to get intentional about your dating/love life.
I'm encouraging you to be strong.
I'm encouraging you to trust God in ways that maybe you haven't considered.
I'm encouraging you to take action.
I'm encouraging you to believe God like you've never believed before.

You're more than a conqueror,
RDH

Waiting on the LORD: Why dating IS waiting

"I'm not going to date. I'm just going to wait on God."

I used to tell everybody this. I used to believe that dating was the opposite of waiting on God. Now, I have a different perspective.


I've grown up in church. I got the idea that if you want a mate, you just wait (if you're a girl) and one day, a sanctified prince charming would notice you from across the aisle and boom marriage. Or better yet, a young, out-of-town guest minister would notice my holy radiance from the pulpit, and just know deep down in his spirit that I was the one for him. He would see the holy halo of purity radiating from my heart and head, and just know I was the Proverbs 31 woman he'd been praying for his whole life. Have you been taught a similar "minister from out of town story?" I know a few people from different walks of life who were taught slight variations on the EXACT same story.

The idea is that you, as a Christian girl, DON'T DO ANYTHING. Just go to church, work, school, home etc. Then, it would come naturally, because he who finds a wife finds a good thing. So don't try to be found, don't try to look. Just sit and look meek, humble, and holy. Don't go on the internet dating sites. That's "helping God out." You don't want to do that. Don't start a conversation with a guy. That's "pursuing him." You don't want that, either. Just "Wait on the Lord and be of good courage...." or another scripture about waiting on God. And dating is leaning on your own understanding, and not waiting on God.

Here's what I'm thinking. Dating IS waiting. Just because you accept a coffee or dinner date with a guy doesn't mean you aren't waiting on God. You are; you are waiting to see if he's a compatible man of character and personality. There's nothing that you can do to bring that person in your life. The only thing you can do is get in position to receive it. You don't know where it's coming from: it COULD be church, but it could also be a dating site. It could be from a guy in traffic. It could be from a guy at Aldi, a football game, a car wash, pep rally, rest stop, sci-fi convention, zoo, gym, spelling bee, bowling alley, Farmer's Market, aquarium, gas station, ANYWHERE. It could be a cousin of a friend. It could be friend of a cousin. Keep your options open. Open your options! It's like a game of baseball. If you want to catch the ball in the outfield, you gotta keep your head up, look around the field and be mobile. It's okay to go places, smile, be friendly, strike up a conversation with a guy.

If you go on a dating site, you're still waiting on God. If that is the means that God uses to bring love into your life, you still have to wait for Him to make that happen. You're putting your profile on there so that dream guy can find you. If you're single, and praying for a mate, you can have 8 dates a week with 8 different guys and you are still waiting. You don't know which or if it's one of the 8. I'm exaggerating a bit with the numbers, but point is, if you are prayerfully seeking God about your mate, then dating is waiting. You are waiting on God to prosper your love life.

I'm not talking about taking action because "God is taking too long." I'm talking about taking action because you know that God has great plans (Jeremiah 29:11) for you, and this great plan might involve you stepping up and taking action. Ruth, from the book of Ruth in the Bible, stepped up and took action so that she could walk in her destiny. Ruth probably would have stayed gleaning the fields, being a glorified beggar. God set her up and blessed her with favor, but the difference between Ruth the beggar widow and Ruth the wealthy wife was the bold, faith filled ACTION that she took. (Read the story. It's in the Bible. )

If you want to get a job, you send out resumes. No one considers that not waiting on God to get a job. If you want God to bless you with a job, you pray, put out resumes, check classifieds, all that stuff. And when you get a job, you say: "Thank you Jesus for blessing me with a job!" (At least, that's what I say. :) Nobody considers sending resumes and answering classified ads as "helping God out." God IS the Source regardless of how it comes to pass.

Think about what I'm saying. Pray about it.I did the whole "I'm going to wait and not date" thing for years. It wasn't because I felt God wanted me to. It was because that's what everybody told me God wanted me to do. There's a big difference between the two. I don't think there's one exact plan for everybody. But if you have been REFUSING to do anything, you might want to think and pray about changing that game plan. We serve a very creative God. Allow Him some freedom creativity in writing your love story. :)

Love,
RDH

For a really great article on waiting on God, check out: http://bible.org/article/waiting-lord

Psalm 27:14 Wait on the LORD...
They that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength....Isaiah 41:
Psalm 37:9For evildoers will be cut off, But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.
Psalm 130:5 I rely on the Lord, I rely on him with my whole being; I wait for his assuring word. 6 I yearn for the Lord, more than watchmen do for the morning, yes, more than watchmen do for the morning.

For a really great article on waiting on God, check out: http://bible.org/article/waiting-lord

It's all about what you think: Why your thoughts are standing in the way of you getting a mate

Cool article... I didn't write this, but I totally agree that your thoughts can stand in the way of you getting a mate. Limiting beliefs can totally stand in your way. Get rid of them and think positive in Jesus' name!

The article is not as spiritual as I would like, but you can add your own Biblical knowledge to it.

Are+You+Sabotaging+Your+Love+Life?+Top+10+Limiting+Beliefs+in+Lovehttp://www.bvonlove.com/2009/09/24/are-you-sabotaging-your-love-life-top-10-limiting-beliefs-in-lo/

What this blog is all about...

What’s the point of this blog? My main points are:

If you’re a twentysomething (or thirtysomething or more) and you’ve been praying, hoping and wishing for a mate for a while now, it’s time to try something new.

People, such as parents and pastors, may mean well when they give you advice about dating, but their view might be somewhat limited.

A lot of the advice and reasons that people give on how to find a mate and testify about how they found a mate is either: short-sighted, nonsensical, non-applicable, illogical, or unbiblical.

If you want to get in a relationship, it’s going to take the proper mix of spiritual activity (prayer, fasting, seeking, serving etc.) and intentional action (going places, meeting people, and joining a dating site etc.)

This blog will explain why:
Traditional advice can be short-sighted, nonsensical, non-applicable, illogical, or unbiblical.

This blog will describe:
A new prayer strategy, how and what to pray in a direction you’ve never prayed before
Intentional actions that you can take so you can meet and date good potential mates.

I will take questions and respond to criticism, offer advice, and encourage people to trust God and move forward in their dating lives.

Marriage and Society: Why the hot, young pastor at your church won't pick you

You've got to understand what a Christian guy wants in a girl.

Marriage is a religious institution and a social construct: Why the hot, young minister at your church won't pursue and/or marry an overweight coke, a wheelchair bound ginger ale, even if she really is a holy, pure and Proverbs 31 woman.

Most pastors would agree with that statement. What does "social construct" mean? That simply means that the rules, norms, and practices are defined and described by society, time, place and culture.

Many Christians disagree with this idea. To quote a guy from The Daily Jolt, another Christian blog: "Marriage is not a social construct. It is an institution ordained by God, initiated by God and held in sacred esteem by God." Yes, I totally believe that God ordained and designed marriage. I totally believe that it's sacred. Marriage was the first human institution that God ever created. However, marriage is also a social construct.

The fact is, society has a huge influence on rules of marriage. Biblically and otherwise. Let's not kid ourselves. Who we take out on dates, take home to our parents, take to the altar, and take to our (marriage) beds are deeply rooted in our cultural conditioning.

Yes, Christian men should be choosing a Proverbs 31 woman. I hear that preached and spoken about all the time. I know a lot of Christian guys are praying for that. But they also have a have a distinct picture of what this Proverbs 31 woman of their dreams looks like. Take a twentysomething pastor. He probably wouldn't dream of pursuing a relationship with a girl who was 100 pounds overweight, no matter how holy, pure, or Proverbs 31 she would be. As I look around churches in the country, and I see young up and coming pastors, they ALWAYS have fit, traditionally pretty wives. Have you noticed that? That all young pastor's wives all kind of look the same? They all look like the prototype AKAs. There are many Christian guys who would never pursue a relationship with coke, iced tea, ginger ale, physically handicapped, or overweight girl, regardless of how holy, pure, and Proverbs 31 she might be.

Why? Because we choose mates on who we were conditioned to find socially acceptable. Chances are, even if you've grown up in Christian household where you were taught to love all of God's children: tall and short, coke and sprite, slim and large, you probably have a clear list of deal breakers based on how you raised. It's one thing to go to church, or be friends with a certain type of person, but it's an entire different ball game when we talk about being intimate with them, and having children by them. There's a good chance that if you brought a particular type of soda home to your parents, they'd be confused or maybe even disappointed.

My point is, are these sociological preferences that we have godly? Are they based on the Word? I read this one story on the Net about a Christian guy who would only pursue a large-breasted girl, because that was the "desire of his heart" and since he delighted himself the Lord, he was entitled to the desire of his heart. So he'd eliminate all girls below a D cup as incompatible spouses. And he even had a scripture to back up his nonsense. So he was ONLY looking for a Proverbs 31 woman with big boobs. This isn't godly.

SOLUTION:

is to get around, socialize with guys who are praying for someone who looks like you. At my church, given it's demographic and pattern of fiancee/wife selection, I'm not high on the most desired list. In fact, I'm probably near the bottom. I know this. That's not a diss on them. That doesn't make them bad. This doesn't mean I'm not beautiful, or worthy of love. I so am, thankyouverymuch. The guys I'm around at church (I'm guessing)just don't think so. God gave me legs, so I made an effort to GO and socialize with guys who just might find me attractive.

Hey, Church Friends: Please Read this Apology

This is my heartfelt apology to those (esp. church friends) who have misunderstood where I'm coming from.

Let me clarify my heart a little bit.


I'm really sorry to my church friends and leadership who felt like I was singling them out, or criticizing them. My pastor, who I truly respect and have mad (godly) love for, felt like I was taking at a stab at him or the church (or something to that effect) I see why he could feel that way. That was never my intention. I've repented, I'm truly sorry for causing him to be uneasy. I believe it's godly to honor and respect our leadership. I believe that after a lengthy heart to heart convo, he and his soon to be bride understand my intentions a lot more. Others in church read the posts and took them to be a bitter criticism of our church. It's not a bitter criticism of our church or our leadership. I really love my church. After all, I'm there. I could choose to go to any church in the county, but I'm at our church. I'm plugged in and active in church classes. I host cell group in my apartment (something I truly feel blessed and honored to do), I'm in the music ministry. If I was really against our church, I would have just left it long ago. I've made friendships with many girls and we hang out sometimes. This blog is my observation of things I've seen from churches all over the country.

I'm being intentionally controversial. That's the whole point. I want people thinking and praying about Christian dating in a whole new way. That's why I say things like,"Is your church standing the way of you getting a mate?" I could have called that post something far more innocuous like: "Why arent there coed cell groups?" But no. I'm pushing the envelope because I really want people to think, to rightly divide the Word of God, to separate man's word from God's when it comes to dating. So yes, I pick words that make people say, "What? No way! What does she mean by that?" That's why I named the article "Sexy Church." It stands out, it begs to be read. The point of the title, the pics, and frequent use of the word "sexy"were meant to grab the reader's attention. The point of the post, however, is illustrate the need for men, and single men play in the future of the church, to show that we need to especially be seeking out and attracting young single men to church, and the role they play in the future of the church.
Some were offended at me calling my Christian brothers chubby, nerdy, etc. Christ came to seek and save the lost, not seek and save the cool people of this world. What if a guy had written the same thing about church girls and had pics of Beyonce and Jessica Alba on it? Well, one guy did. I meant no disrespect. All of the guys I know are pretty cool. But yes, I did choose a pretty controversial way of illustrating the alarming disparity between the amount single men and the amount of single women in churches today.

To all of my church friends: I will probably continue to be controversial on purpose. That's something that I like to do.That's my style. But I hope that you realize it's not directed at our church or any individual. I have mad love for all you guys and everyone in our church. If I truly had an issue with someone, I wouldn't publish a blog and invite all of you guys to read about it. I wouldn't put my name and email address here.

I'm learning. I'm trying to figure all of this out. I'm making edits. I will probably use more perspicacity and wisdom in word choices and tone. I will stay in prayer, seeking, learning, growing and sharing. I hope that you'll join me in this journey. I'm not always right, but I will redress topics as things are brought to my attention.

If you want to know something, please leave a message. It's anonymous! (I won't know who you are unless you want me to; even if it asks for you email address, I can't see it.)

Love and Nappiness,

RDH

Okay...I want questions, comments, rants, raves, anything!

Hey everybody,
Glad you're here, checking out my blog and what not.

I've gotten some feedback from a few of you, via text, phone, facebook, or what have you, but I would like some anonymous questions and comments. Maybe you know me from church, school, or whatever, and you don't want me to know who you are. You can submit an anonymous question or comment.

I'd like this be a forum where we are coming together to share ideas, hopes, fears, prayers, joys, etc. I don't want this blog to be one sided. I want a myriad of ideas and opinions; even if they differ from my own.

Don't be afraid. Say something. Let your voice be heard!

Love,
RDH

Sociological Factors Influencing Marriage in a Mega Church: Why "praying harder" is only just a part of the solution.

Sociological Factors Influencing Marriage in a Mega Church: Why "praying harder" is only just a part of the solution.




"Just seek God with all of your heart. They next thing you know, there will be someone going after God with all of their heart running along beside you."

I'm going to be controversial here.

I've heard variations of this same lesson on marriage from pastors, parents, Sunday School teachers and peers my whole church life. It can be stated in numerous ways, but the point is that PRAYER=MATE. It seems like almost every Christian person has the same idea about how one gets that Christian mate. And not just prayer, but a whole laundry list of spiritual activity including:
Fasting, serving, seeking, reading the Word, helping, loving, forgiving, growing, letting go, REALLY, TRULY trusting God, etc.

Many people even testify that that's how they got their mate. "Oh, I met my wife as I really, really gave my life over to God." Or "I met my husband just as I really truly started seeking God." etc. I believe them, it's just that I'm sure that there were some other sociological factors of which the people testifying weren't aware.

The fact is, marriage, though ordained by God, is a social construct. And many people, if not all church people fail to see the important role that sociological factors play in who gets married, when and to whom. Yes, prayer matters! It's important tool that brings the realm of the impossible into the realm of the possible. Yes, faith matters! Faith is being sure of things hoped for and is certain of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1.) So do the sociological factors. Sociological factors matter much more than any Sunday school teacher, pastor, peer, or parent has ever told me.

The fact of the matter there are lots of committed Christians who are and have been doing all of those things for years and remain single. And what do people say: "Oh great, just keep doing that and it will happen eventually."

What do I mean by "sociological factors"? Here are just a few sociological factors that affect who gets married, when, and to whom:

• race
• class (for example, how much money you and your parents have)
• educational level
• geography
• appearance/weight
• culture
• ethnicity

A few short years I used to thin, "Sure, all of those sociological factors affect people out there in the world, but the Body of Christ is different. The same rules and standards don't apply because we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. God shows no favoritism."

But then I started to look at the Body of Christ as well. Even as I looked in the Christ, I noticed a definite pattern. During a sermon about marriage, my young adult pastor began to call out of the couples who had gotten engaged or married in the last year or so. Some of which I knew, some of which I did not. Now, like I've mentioned before, my church is pretty diverse. Even though the majority of people (Let's say 65-70% are what I like to identify as Sprites) the other 35-30% are Cokes, Rootbeer, Ginger Ale, Iced Tea, etc from places such as Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Trinidad,Guatemala, Brazil, Haiti, China, Cuba etc.
(I just like the whole beverage analogy. I just think it's a nice, cute way of discussing what some feel is a sensitive topic.) So that's an approximate cultural breakdown of my young adult ministry. Our church is a smorgasbord of beautiful and exotic "beverages." And yet, when guys go to the buffet, they are all coming back with the exact type of drink. The grooms were mostly Sprite, with an Ice Tea and Coke thrown in. Soooo, as I looked around the room, I noticed the sociological breakdown of the new brides/brides to be:

• 100% of the girls were by my informal estimate, NOT over a size 1o in jeans. That is, they were all smaller, slenderer girls. Not one of them could be described as thick, fuller figured, or tall.
  
• 100% were Sprites, or at very least a lighter-complexioned Iced Tea
• All but one had long hair.
  

Hmm. Interesting. I conducted a little informal research. I asked my best friend who goes to a church of a similar demographic about 5 hours away. I know she's been invited to, or has gone to what seems like 1000 weddings in the past couple of years. By her own estimate, it's been more like 20.

"Angela," I asked, "How many of the brides were Sprites or Iced Teas?"

"All of them," she said after a brief moment of thinking. "Maybe like, 17 or 18 Sprite, 2 or 3 Iced Teas. But I dunno. That's just off the top of my head."

"Not a Coke bride, or Ginger Ale bride in the whole group?"

"Nope, not all. A couple, may 2 or 3 Coke grooms, but no Coke brides."

What do these numbers mean? In a mega church setting, it seems like you're much more likely to get married if you are a slender, long haired Sprite. It also seems to help if your family is well known in the church. I'm pretty sure that there are more factors involved, but those were the most obvious to me at that moment.

So, in our mega church experience of new brides, a definite pattern emerged. I'm trying to figure out what this means. Do slender Sprite girls just pray harder than say, darker complexioned and or heavier believers? Is it something that they are doing (or not doing) that makes them more appealing to guys as a wifely candidate? According to the traditional advice, only one small demographic of women (long-haired, slender Sprites from prominent church families ) is REALLY going after God with all of their hearts. This seems somewhat unlikely to me. God is clearly not a respecter of persons, but this data shows me that man most certainly is. What does this data tell you?

Bringing Sexy Back to the Church; Why the Future of the Church Depends Sexy, Manly Guys Like This (Well, kinda)

Are there a bunch of guys at your church who look like this? Probably not. Why the future of the church may just depend on getting young, attractive, single guys to get saved, attend church, and get active!

I invited my boyfriend to my church's monthly young adult service. I was hoping that the young adult service, with its light show, edgy, rocking music, youtube clips, and modern multimedia presentation would draw him in and give him a more positive church experience. You know, one that would help him relate to the gospel more, get him excited about going to church, and encourage him to strengthen his walk with God. I was hoping that he'd meet some or at least one cool guy to relate to, and be interested in going to a male cell group meeting.

After the service I asked him how he felt about the service.

"It was fine," He said, with much less enthusiasm than I hoped.

"Did you like the music?"

"Yeah, I really liked the music."

"The little videos they showed to illustrate the message?" I asked.

"Yeah, they were cool, too."

"So, what was it that you didn't like?" I really wanted to get to the bottom of his discontent.

"Well, it was the guys."
The guys? What? He went on to explain that every guy he saw was "nerdy, churchy, and chubby." He said that there were a few guys who seemed cool, or potentially fun to be around. He had struck up a nice convo with a named Chris about English League soccer. But the majority of the church guys, to him, anyways, didn't seem cool, relateable, or the type of guys he wanted to hang around, get to know, or join a cell group with. I was about to argue and say, "No, that's not true, there are TONS of cool guys!" And sure, there are cool guys, I don't mean to diss my brothers in the church, but I did see the point he was making. Churches in general, aren't filled to brim with single, sexy, manly guys. There def. seems to be way more single young women than single young men.

I was reading this article on Christianitytoday.com and it was talking about how single guys especially 20something single guys, avoid church because they feel like there's nothing for them. If they return, they return as married men. I read some stat that said there's aprox. 11 million saved single guys in church, and 13 million single girls. What does that mean? 2 million unpaired women. So...what can churches do?

I say we need to a sexy, cool missionary team whose ONLY goal is to recruit sexy, cool single guys. If we don't get more single guys in the church, a generation from now the Church won't grow. The 2 million girls won't marry, and that's 2 million families (let's say, 3.5 million children) who won't exist, who won't grow up in Christian households and grow up to beget more Christian kids and so on and so on and so on. Because if sexy, cool guys are around, new guys will be like, "Yeah, that's where I want to be. These guys seem really cool." Just like my BF would have said. We need more single guys in the church, period. Cool, uncool, attractive, or what have you. The hot, cool, manly guys aren't for the girls, per se, but their for the guys. My thought is that we have a higher number of sexy guys, then they will attract more regular guys with their cool manliness. I don't think the 2 million single girls are praying for Mr. Abercrombie model, or Sonny from Madea Goes to Jail. But their presence would encourage the good, regular everyday guy.

The future of the Church depends on what we do now.

Our young adult events are mostly designed by young women who grew up in the church. Last year, young adult social events included, a scavenger hunt, 2 bonfires ,and ice skating. ICE SKATING. Single, sexy, saved guys (0r guys that may want to get saved) love ice skating, right? I've seen many a cute young, single guy go down to the altar for altar call. And then, I never see them again. I never see them in the young adult service. I never see them at the young adult bonfire, or scavenger hunts. The guys who go to those events are, from what I can tell, the guys who were born into the church, or at least got there long before they were twentysomethings.


We need events that will be fun, exciting, and manly. I'm not a single, sexy, cool dude, but if I was, I probably wouldn't want to go ice skating. I might want to go paintballing, or skydiving, drag racing, camping, hunting, attending sporting events, arm wrestling, BMX riding, etc. I have no idea what Manly McBoydude things there are to do, but not ICE SKATING.

Our church leaders probably don't know how dire the situation is. Our church leaders are all married, and their adult children are, too.

So, ladies and fellas, encourage your church leaders, pastors, elders, etc. to minister, attract to the sexy, cool ,lost young guys of the world. Encourage (somehow) the guys that are in church to look and be cooler, so that they'll attract the hot guys of the world. The future of the Church depends on it!

Tell me what you think!

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16.

So, just how do you get a Chrisitian mate?

There are tons of people who think that they have the answer on how to get a question mate. Me, I think I have the questions. Consider the following statements said by married and single Christians alike as keys to finding a mate.

Common statement: Praying, loving, seeking and serving God is the key to getting a Christian mate.
Fact: There are tons of wholly committed Christians who are praying, loving, seeking and serving God who find themselves without a mate. There are people who have been saved and seeking God for years and decades, even, who haven't even so much as been asked out on a date. And then there are people who have been committed Christians for a relatively short amount of time who are find themselves dating, in healthy relationships, and married. Certainly every believer, single and married alike should be praying, loving, seeking, and serving God with all of their hearts, minds, and souls. The fact still remains that many, many, faithful believers remain single. What does this mean? Is it a merit based system?
Common Statement: When you stop looking, that's when you'll find your mate.
Fact: Seek and you shall find. I have a more in depth blog entry "DON'T Seek and You Shall Find" so for a more in depth look at that topic, read that blog entry. Where in the Bible does it say to NOT seek something and you'll find it? DON'T ask and you shall receive? All lot of people have that testimony: "When I stopped looking that's when God blessed me with my mate." I think that God takes some of his believers by surprise when He blesses them. But as far as a solution, the whole "DON'T seek" statement seems somewhat illogical. So it's like a leprechaun? When you try to look for it, it just *poof* disappears? If you know and believe that marriage is a part of the will of God for you life, then you are supposed to not actively seek the will of God for your life?

Like I said, I don't know how it happens, but I have come to recognize that some of the "solutions" that I've heard for many years don't answer everything. I'm beginning to think there's more to it. My prayer is that God shows you, me, and every single and married Christian a more excellent way.

RDH

DON'T seek and you shall find

"I think that God blessed me with my mate the second that I stopped looking. So the key to getting a mate is to just stop looking."

Have you heard statements like this before?

I know I have. I'll ask Christian married or engaged couples how it all started for them, and often they'll answer with a similar response. I began thinking about it in depth.

I'm not sure that the key to getting in a relationship is "quit looking." In no other area of life is the "quit looking" principle of finding something logical or successful. I call this the "leprechaun theory." You know because according to lore, you'll never find a leprechaun if you look for one. You have to just wait for it to pop and find you. I tend not to believe that the will of God is like a leprechaun.

If I lose my car keys and have somewhere that I need to go, I'm going to keep looking for them. In fact, depending upon the urgency with which I need to get to my destination, I'm going to start searching harder. I'm going to get my family and friends in on the search, too.

If I lose a hundred dollar bill, and I need that money for a bill, I'm going to look for it and search till I find it. I'm not going to stop and wait for the wind to blow it to me. That $100 is valuable, and there's a good chance that someone else wants it, too. The last thing that I'm going to do is "quit looking to find" my lost money. I might temporarily suspend my search if I grow frustrated, but once my head is clear, I'm going to resume the search.

Because for me, the depth and thoroughness of my search depends up on the value that I place on object that I'm trying to obtain. Since my $100 and car keys are very valuable to me, I'm going to keep searching and searching.

For many Christian young adults, our desire to marry a Christian mate and have a family is second only in importance to our relationship with God. If marriage is a beautiful institution designed by God to fulfill His purpose in our lives, if it brings glory and honor to God, shouldn't we be doing all we can to seek it? How is pretending that we don't want it, and trying avoid praying for it going to help?

The "quit looking to find" idea isn't Biblical. In fact it's the exact opposite. For example, Philipians 4:6 says : Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer, petition and thanksgiving, present your requests to God. If dating or marriage is our earnest prayer before God, then we ought to be praying,petitioning, and praising God for our mate. We should certainly avoid being anxious about it, but we should be praying for our mate and thanking God for him or her and their imminent arrival in your life.

Matthew 7:7 Ask, seek, knock. Jesus says that we should be asking, seeking, and knocking. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. The Bible doesn't say "DON'T seek it and you shall find." The Bible says, SEEK and you shall find. It doesnt say, "Except for you, ladies. In your case, don't seek and you will get a husband." If the same principle of SEEKING=FINDING works with everything else in life-whether it's finding car keys, a hundred dollar bill, or a job-I really don't see how SEEKING=FINDING somehow is wrong when it comes to dating, love, and relationships.

If you have been trying to "quit looking to find" with no success, then maybe seeking, that is, taking steps to meet and socialize with potential mates might be worth trying to do.

Tell me what you think!

Is your church standing in the way of you getting a man?

Your church just might be standing in the way of you getting a mate.

You might say, “I don’t get it. I want a Christian mate, so church would be the best place to meet Christians. Right?”

WRONG!

Here’s why.

I’m involved and active in the young adult ministry at my culturally diverse megachurch (4000+ attend each weekend) in South Florida. I play guitar in the band, I host (single gendered) cell group at my apartment on Tuesday nights. I’ve known churches that separate home groups by age, or by topic, but this was the first time that I’d been involved in a single gendered group. I’ve known of churches to separate the genders when a sensitive topic is being discussed. I didn’t mind it, really. I’ve enjoyed the fellowship and friendship from the girls in my twentysomething cell group.

I asked why our church decided to separate the cell groups into gender specific groups. My group leader, who I’ll just call Anna, said, “Well, the [church] leaders don’t really want guys and girls coming together in cell groups because then girls might start focusing on the boys and that’s not what cell group is about.”

I kept my usually sarcastic opinion to myself. Separate Christian guys from Christian girls because the worst thing that could happen would be that they like each other and get married? Twentysomething Christian guys and girls getting married would be so catastrophic!

So basically my church leaders made a conscious and willful decision to prohibit guys and girls from socializing and communicating in safe setting. After the monthly young adult service, girls stand around with other girls talking about clothes and babies, and the guys stand around with the other guys talking about sports. I never see guys striking up a conversation with girls or vice versa.

There seems to be some unwritten rule that under no circumstances should you talk to a member of the opposite sex. Everyone just naturally seems to follow this rule. My church seems to have made friendly interaction between co-ed singles some sort of moral taboo to be avoided at all costs. It’s like red sirens and alarms blaring: DANGER! TALKING TO OTHER SINGLES IS DANGEROUS! WRONG! WRONG! This message is of course implicit and not plainly stated, but it’s a message that everyone seems to understand and follow.

For example, I tried talking to a guy once. I literally just asked his name and gave me a look that seemed like an uneasy mix of confusion, discomfort and fear.
“Uh, George,” he said nervously.
“Nice to meet you, George,” Sensing his unease, I smiled at him. I kinda felt sorry for the guy.
“Um, yeah.” He replied.

And that was that. I wasn’t trying to flirt or anything. I was just asking him his name. Now maybe my breath was terrible, or I had a booger in my nose and maybe that freaked him out. But I just seem to think he wasn't used to talking to girls at church. I'd only ever seen him surrounded by guys. Maybe if this guy had been interacting with girls on a regular basis in a cell group, you know, a controlled church setting, then maybe he wouldn’t have been so obviously freaked out by a greeting. I get what the leaders are trying to do: keep young adults safe from frivolous and harmful relationships. It's possible, as this instance with this guy indicates, that the practice of constant gender separation yields socially awkward young adults.

I’m not sure if everyone is just shy “I don’t know what I’d say!” or scared “I couldn’t possibly say hello to him!” Maybe my church is just filled with young adults who think it’s wrong or improper to start a conversation with a guy or gal. I can’t say, but I know that it’s going to be difficult to meet or talk to a guy or gal if your church seems opposed to situations (i.e.; co-ed cell groups) in which you might actually meet or talk to a single gal or guy.



What do you think? Does your church have rules that actually prevent guys and girls from socializing?

Hi, and welcome to my dating blog!

Hey, everyone.

Welcome to my first blog. Glad you're here.

So what's this whole thing about?

It all began with a question: why?

I know so many attractive, accomplished, hardworking, compassionate women who are hoping, praying, and longing for a man. Despite their stellar beauty, outstanding credentials, and superb character, they cannot seem to get a great guy. Then, there are my church friends, who are also excellent in their own ways, have and get in relationships, heck, married even, with ease. So what's the difference between haves and have nots?

I kept asking and seeking, and I've discovered so much. I read books, articles,interviews. I felt that the authors meant well, but they are all not answering a single question. HOW?

There's a wealth of information on what to do once you get in a relationship, but very little info on HOW to get in a relationship. The general consensus seems to be that as a Christian woman, you just kinda pray, wait, and just hope that some random hot, new minister somehow gets the hots for you. I know because that's what I did for years and years with zero dating success.

My ideas that I've shared have angered some, and liberated others.
This blog is a how to, tell all, get real, get serious about love, marriage and singleness. Not just you know, being "happy and single," but getting out of singleness. This blog will give you new, exciting, revolutionary ideas about Christian dating.
Questions that I have:

• Is marriage a merit based system? That is, when a girl finally loves God with all of her heart, God will grant her a man. I seem to hear this idea a lot. Is this Biblical?
• Why is it that only certain cultural demographics of women are getting married in my church?
• Is there really a such thing as "helping God out" in the search for a mate?

Drop me a note, say hello, share your frustrations, hopes. Do you have questions about love and dating that you feel that pastors, dating books, and friends haven't been able to answer?

Get ready to have hope, take heart and take action, ladies!

Love,

RDH