"Just seek God with all of your heart. They next thing you know, there will be someone going after God with all of their heart running along beside you."
I'm going to be controversial here.
I've heard variations of this same lesson on marriage from pastors, parents, Sunday School teachers and peers my whole church life. It can be stated in numerous ways, but the point is that PRAYER=MATE. It seems like almost every Christian person has the same idea about how one gets that Christian mate. And not just prayer, but a whole laundry list of spiritual activity including:
Fasting, serving, seeking, reading the Word, helping, loving, forgiving, growing, letting go, REALLY, TRULY trusting God, etc.
Many people even testify that that's how they got their mate. "Oh, I met my wife as I really, really gave my life over to God." Or "I met my husband just as I really truly started seeking God." etc. I believe them, it's just that I'm sure that there were some other sociological factors of which the people testifying weren't aware.
The fact is, marriage, though ordained by God, is a social construct. And many people, if not all church people fail to see the important role that sociological factors play in who gets married, when and to whom. Yes, prayer matters! It's important tool that brings the realm of the impossible into the realm of the possible. Yes, faith matters! Faith is being sure of things hoped for and is certain of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1.) So do the sociological factors. Sociological factors matter much more than any Sunday school teacher, pastor, peer, or parent has ever told me.
The fact of the matter there are lots of committed Christians who are and have been doing all of those things for years and remain single. And what do people say: "Oh great, just keep doing that and it will happen eventually."
What do I mean by "sociological factors"? Here are just a few sociological factors that affect who gets married, when, and to whom:
- race
- class (for example, how much money you and your parents have)
- educational level
- geography
- appearance/weight
- culture
- ethnicity
But then I started to look at the Body of Christ as well. Even as I looked in the Christ, I noticed a definite pattern. During a sermon about marriage, my young adult pastor began to call out of the couples who had gotten engaged or married in the last year or so. Some of which I knew, some of which I did not. Now, like I've mentioned before, my church is pretty diverse. Even though the majority of people (Let's say 65-70% are what I like to identify as Sprites) the other 35-30% are Cokes, Rootbeer, Ginger Ale, Iced Tea, etc from places such as Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Trinidad,Guatemala, Brazil, Haiti, China, Cuba etc.
(I just like the whole beverage analogy. I just think it's a nice, cute way of discussing what some feel is a sensitive topic.) So that's an approximate cultural breakdown of my young adult ministry. Our church is a smorgasbord of beautiful and exotic "beverages." And yet, when guys go to the buffet, they are all coming back with the exact type of drink. The grooms were mostly Sprite, with an Ice Tea and Coke thrown in. Soooo, as I looked around the room, I noticed the sociological breakdown of the new brides/brides to be:
- 100% of the girls were by my informal estimate, NOT over a size 1o in jeans. That is, they were all smaller, slenderer girls. Not one of them could be described as thick, fuller figured, or tall.
- 100% were Sprites, or at very least a lighter-complexioned Iced Tea
- All but one had long hair.
"Angela," I asked, "How many of the brides were Sprites or Iced Teas?"
"All of them," she said after a brief moment of thinking. "Maybe like, 17 or 18 Sprite, 2 or 3 Iced Teas. But I dunno. That's just off the top of my head."
"Not a Coke bride, or Ginger Ale bride in the whole group?"
"Nope, not all. A couple, may 2 or 3 Coke grooms, but no Coke brides."
What do these numbers mean? In a mega church setting, it seems like you're much more likely to get married if you are a slender, long haired Sprite. It also seems to help if your family is well known in the church. I'm pretty sure that there are more factors involved, but those were the most obvious to me at that moment.
So, in our mega church experience of new brides, a definite pattern emerged. I'm trying to figure out what this means. Do slender Sprite girls just pray harder than say, darker complexioned and or heavier believers? Is it something that they are doing (or not doing) that makes them more appealing to guys as a wifely candidate? According to the traditional advice, only one small demographic of women (long-haired, slender Sprites from prominent church families ) is REALLY going after God with all of their hearts. This seems somewhat unlikely to me. God is clearly not a respecter of persons, but this data shows me that man most certainly is. What does this data tell you?
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HEy, this is Larentz to those in blog land and here's a lil of my insights and stupidity on the matter! lol
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have
to seek Him first to find her."
That's what makes the difference for me! The bible says that the man is to find the wife; look for a proverbs 31 type of woman. Right?! SOO, I want to find a wife that equally reflects my morals, values, and personality interest (Ex. humor, common sense, taste in food, edu., etc.)as long as i (A man) proclaim to be a born-again believer and walk in God's will. Remember one important thing, Her Spirit's desire for God is simply the most bueatiful, infatuating, desirable characteristic (factor) a sista in Christ can offer or display! I go by the special percentage factor. (20%, 60%, 20%) Let's be REAL... We all know the physical atrraction plays a part, it's the very first part. 20% is how much are u attracted to her! But that's just the first step. Next is the 60% which is key!!! She gotta have Jesus. THis lets me know her code of conduct, her ethics, her committment to the faith, her love for others, how she handle multi different problems and issues, and her value of self identity. Not that fake christian stuff, but desire God more than a desire for a husband. Trust me, this will save the relationship from a lot of future headache and pain and heartache! Last is the 20% of personality. Find out the the pros and cons of the person, the thing you can tolerate and the pet peeves you cannot stand. Then make the choice before the woman ever knew or finds out what you are thinking. A woman's thrist for God is a physical demonstration of intermal supernatural intimacy with God. If she puts God first above ALL, then she's wifey material!! Then all other Sociological Factors come in to play while building regular friendships, u know getting to know someone without the heavy social or psychological pressures of courtship or dating stages. I'm not saying sexual attraction in avoided or eliminated by this, but it is greatly controlled b/c we are showing self-control despite the natural chemistry. The man's personal agenda must be examined and reviewed constantly b/c a woman's heart is a irreplaceable precious royal fragle yet permanent jewel that belongs to God personally. Dont be playa!!I don't mess with God's stuff until God says it is mine, it's ready, for all the things God has promise to her, I must fulfill the call and promises, and love her uncondictionally the same as how JESUS loved me (the Chuch). NOW that is a serious thing!!! The data in this blog reveals not too much other than Sprites get the most from mega churches; however, it is very true fact on how other ladies are still single after years of waiting. STILL ladies... are you putting everything u got relying on the faith (in God) to just believe and treating her as your santa clause or the faith (of God) that his promises are for you and thats still works wonders in the situations of the saints by the power daily sacrifice and worship(LUKE 9). Oh NO no NO... that's not the big pictures of things. You want the love of true Godly man, truly love God and the man will truly find you! YES, but where ARE THOSE SO CALLED MEN EVEN AT?????????? Not to boast, I one of them and I find it had to find a big population of Godly men in one place! The answer is that Men of that degree are spread very thin right now due to the lack of continueous discipleship which makes household priest of the community. SORRY ladies, we need to build up more Godly men not common males!
I can believe this data that you share. It is not a surprise to me that the slender sprites have graced the aisle more times than the full figured coke bottle. I also believe that a woman is more likely to look past exteriors than a man would. They see---how will she look next to me in front of my boys? We see---how does he treat me? So while we have created our dating highway to be made with 14 lanes, the men have built theirs with only 1 or 2. And most of us need a bit more room than a 1 or 2 would allow for. I'm not one of those chics that thinks all men are pigs or dogs...I'm just saying that maybe the playing field should really be open on all fronts and then we can really get TRUE LOVE flowing in our lives. You would think that this wouldn't be a problem in the "church world", but if it wasn't, this blog wouldn't exist. Prayer is a wonderful thing and I would never speak against it, but I believe that some pray so much that they forget about the guide God has so graciously given us...COMMON SENSE! It's amazing at how uncommon it is in the church. The one place where we aren't to be judged and put on a scale...is one of the main places that it happens. Sad but true...Nuncompare
I myself know that a great deal of the information presented is true. I have been in a mega church for the last 3 to 4 years. It was not until I began to broaden my horizons, that I began to date someone outside my church. There are a lot of marriages that have taken place mostly sprites, 1 coke and 1 tea. I have some single coke friends that are great. A few are not saved but the majority are. These women have careers, own their cars and homes, are educated, and have no children. Yet, no ring. Out of my closest circle of female friends, in the last 11 years, two of them have gotten married.
What shall we say to these things?
J Rizzle
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