Is your church standing in the way of you getting a man?

Your church just might be standing in the way of you getting a mate.

You might say, “I don’t get it. I want a Christian mate, so church would be the best place to meet Christians. Right?”

WRONG!

Here’s why.

I’m involved and active in the young adult ministry at my culturally diverse megachurch (4000+ attend each weekend) in South Florida. I play guitar in the band, I host (single gendered) cell group at my apartment on Tuesday nights. I’ve known churches that separate home groups by age, or by topic, but this was the first time that I’d been involved in a single gendered group. I’ve known of churches to separate the genders when a sensitive topic is being discussed. I didn’t mind it, really. I’ve enjoyed the fellowship and friendship from the girls in my twentysomething cell group.

I asked why our church decided to separate the cell groups into gender specific groups. My group leader, who I’ll just call Anna, said, “Well, the [church] leaders don’t really want guys and girls coming together in cell groups because then girls might start focusing on the boys and that’s not what cell group is about.”

I kept my usually sarcastic opinion to myself. Separate Christian guys from Christian girls because the worst thing that could happen would be that they like each other and get married? Twentysomething Christian guys and girls getting married would be so catastrophic!

So basically my church leaders made a conscious and willful decision to prohibit guys and girls from socializing and communicating in safe setting. After the monthly young adult service, girls stand around with other girls talking about clothes and babies, and the guys stand around with the other guys talking about sports. I never see guys striking up a conversation with girls or vice versa.

There seems to be some unwritten rule that under no circumstances should you talk to a member of the opposite sex. Everyone just naturally seems to follow this rule. My church seems to have made friendly interaction between co-ed singles some sort of moral taboo to be avoided at all costs. It’s like red sirens and alarms blaring: DANGER! TALKING TO OTHER SINGLES IS DANGEROUS! WRONG! WRONG! This message is of course implicit and not plainly stated, but it’s a message that everyone seems to understand and follow.

For example, I tried talking to a guy once. I literally just asked his name and gave me a look that seemed like an uneasy mix of confusion, discomfort and fear.
“Uh, George,” he said nervously.
“Nice to meet you, George,” Sensing his unease, I smiled at him. I kinda felt sorry for the guy.
“Um, yeah.” He replied.

And that was that. I wasn’t trying to flirt or anything. I was just asking him his name. Now maybe my breath was terrible, or I had a booger in my nose and maybe that freaked him out. But I just seem to think he wasn't used to talking to girls at church. I'd only ever seen him surrounded by guys. Maybe if this guy had been interacting with girls on a regular basis in a cell group, you know, a controlled church setting, then maybe he wouldn’t have been so obviously freaked out by a greeting. I get what the leaders are trying to do: keep young adults safe from frivolous and harmful relationships. It's possible, as this instance with this guy indicates, that the practice of constant gender separation yields socially awkward young adults.

I’m not sure if everyone is just shy “I don’t know what I’d say!” or scared “I couldn’t possibly say hello to him!” Maybe my church is just filled with young adults who think it’s wrong or improper to start a conversation with a guy or gal. I can’t say, but I know that it’s going to be difficult to meet or talk to a guy or gal if your church seems opposed to situations (i.e.; co-ed cell groups) in which you might actually meet or talk to a single gal or guy.



What do you think? Does your church have rules that actually prevent guys and girls from socializing?