Okay...I want questions, comments, rants, raves, anything!

Hey everybody,
Glad you're here, checking out my blog and what not.

I've gotten some feedback from a few of you, via text, phone, facebook, or what have you, but I would like some anonymous questions and comments. Maybe you know me from church, school, or whatever, and you don't want me to know who you are. You can submit an anonymous question or comment.

I'd like this be a forum where we are coming together to share ideas, hopes, fears, prayers, joys, etc. I don't want this blog to be one sided. I want a myriad of ideas and opinions; even if they differ from my own.

Don't be afraid. Say something. Let your voice be heard!

Love,
RDH

Sociological Factors Influencing Marriage in a Mega Church: Why "praying harder" is only just a part of the solution.

Sociological Factors Influencing Marriage in a Mega Church: Why "praying harder" is only just a part of the solution.




"Just seek God with all of your heart. They next thing you know, there will be someone going after God with all of their heart running along beside you."

I'm going to be controversial here.

I've heard variations of this same lesson on marriage from pastors, parents, Sunday School teachers and peers my whole church life. It can be stated in numerous ways, but the point is that PRAYER=MATE. It seems like almost every Christian person has the same idea about how one gets that Christian mate. And not just prayer, but a whole laundry list of spiritual activity including:
Fasting, serving, seeking, reading the Word, helping, loving, forgiving, growing, letting go, REALLY, TRULY trusting God, etc.

Many people even testify that that's how they got their mate. "Oh, I met my wife as I really, really gave my life over to God." Or "I met my husband just as I really truly started seeking God." etc. I believe them, it's just that I'm sure that there were some other sociological factors of which the people testifying weren't aware.

The fact is, marriage, though ordained by God, is a social construct. And many people, if not all church people fail to see the important role that sociological factors play in who gets married, when and to whom. Yes, prayer matters! It's important tool that brings the realm of the impossible into the realm of the possible. Yes, faith matters! Faith is being sure of things hoped for and is certain of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1.) So do the sociological factors. Sociological factors matter much more than any Sunday school teacher, pastor, peer, or parent has ever told me.

The fact of the matter there are lots of committed Christians who are and have been doing all of those things for years and remain single. And what do people say: "Oh great, just keep doing that and it will happen eventually."

What do I mean by "sociological factors"? Here are just a few sociological factors that affect who gets married, when, and to whom:

• race
• class (for example, how much money you and your parents have)
• educational level
• geography
• appearance/weight
• culture
• ethnicity

A few short years I used to thin, "Sure, all of those sociological factors affect people out there in the world, but the Body of Christ is different. The same rules and standards don't apply because we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. God shows no favoritism."

But then I started to look at the Body of Christ as well. Even as I looked in the Christ, I noticed a definite pattern. During a sermon about marriage, my young adult pastor began to call out of the couples who had gotten engaged or married in the last year or so. Some of which I knew, some of which I did not. Now, like I've mentioned before, my church is pretty diverse. Even though the majority of people (Let's say 65-70% are what I like to identify as Sprites) the other 35-30% are Cokes, Rootbeer, Ginger Ale, Iced Tea, etc from places such as Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Trinidad,Guatemala, Brazil, Haiti, China, Cuba etc.
(I just like the whole beverage analogy. I just think it's a nice, cute way of discussing what some feel is a sensitive topic.) So that's an approximate cultural breakdown of my young adult ministry. Our church is a smorgasbord of beautiful and exotic "beverages." And yet, when guys go to the buffet, they are all coming back with the exact type of drink. The grooms were mostly Sprite, with an Ice Tea and Coke thrown in. Soooo, as I looked around the room, I noticed the sociological breakdown of the new brides/brides to be:

• 100% of the girls were by my informal estimate, NOT over a size 1o in jeans. That is, they were all smaller, slenderer girls. Not one of them could be described as thick, fuller figured, or tall.
  
• 100% were Sprites, or at very least a lighter-complexioned Iced Tea
• All but one had long hair.
  

Hmm. Interesting. I conducted a little informal research. I asked my best friend who goes to a church of a similar demographic about 5 hours away. I know she's been invited to, or has gone to what seems like 1000 weddings in the past couple of years. By her own estimate, it's been more like 20.

"Angela," I asked, "How many of the brides were Sprites or Iced Teas?"

"All of them," she said after a brief moment of thinking. "Maybe like, 17 or 18 Sprite, 2 or 3 Iced Teas. But I dunno. That's just off the top of my head."

"Not a Coke bride, or Ginger Ale bride in the whole group?"

"Nope, not all. A couple, may 2 or 3 Coke grooms, but no Coke brides."

What do these numbers mean? In a mega church setting, it seems like you're much more likely to get married if you are a slender, long haired Sprite. It also seems to help if your family is well known in the church. I'm pretty sure that there are more factors involved, but those were the most obvious to me at that moment.

So, in our mega church experience of new brides, a definite pattern emerged. I'm trying to figure out what this means. Do slender Sprite girls just pray harder than say, darker complexioned and or heavier believers? Is it something that they are doing (or not doing) that makes them more appealing to guys as a wifely candidate? According to the traditional advice, only one small demographic of women (long-haired, slender Sprites from prominent church families ) is REALLY going after God with all of their hearts. This seems somewhat unlikely to me. God is clearly not a respecter of persons, but this data shows me that man most certainly is. What does this data tell you?

Bringing Sexy Back to the Church; Why the Future of the Church Depends Sexy, Manly Guys Like This (Well, kinda)

Are there a bunch of guys at your church who look like this? Probably not. Why the future of the church may just depend on getting young, attractive, single guys to get saved, attend church, and get active!

I invited my boyfriend to my church's monthly young adult service. I was hoping that the young adult service, with its light show, edgy, rocking music, youtube clips, and modern multimedia presentation would draw him in and give him a more positive church experience. You know, one that would help him relate to the gospel more, get him excited about going to church, and encourage him to strengthen his walk with God. I was hoping that he'd meet some or at least one cool guy to relate to, and be interested in going to a male cell group meeting.

After the service I asked him how he felt about the service.

"It was fine," He said, with much less enthusiasm than I hoped.

"Did you like the music?"

"Yeah, I really liked the music."

"The little videos they showed to illustrate the message?" I asked.

"Yeah, they were cool, too."

"So, what was it that you didn't like?" I really wanted to get to the bottom of his discontent.

"Well, it was the guys."
The guys? What? He went on to explain that every guy he saw was "nerdy, churchy, and chubby." He said that there were a few guys who seemed cool, or potentially fun to be around. He had struck up a nice convo with a named Chris about English League soccer. But the majority of the church guys, to him, anyways, didn't seem cool, relateable, or the type of guys he wanted to hang around, get to know, or join a cell group with. I was about to argue and say, "No, that's not true, there are TONS of cool guys!" And sure, there are cool guys, I don't mean to diss my brothers in the church, but I did see the point he was making. Churches in general, aren't filled to brim with single, sexy, manly guys. There def. seems to be way more single young women than single young men.

I was reading this article on Christianitytoday.com and it was talking about how single guys especially 20something single guys, avoid church because they feel like there's nothing for them. If they return, they return as married men. I read some stat that said there's aprox. 11 million saved single guys in church, and 13 million single girls. What does that mean? 2 million unpaired women. So...what can churches do?

I say we need to a sexy, cool missionary team whose ONLY goal is to recruit sexy, cool single guys. If we don't get more single guys in the church, a generation from now the Church won't grow. The 2 million girls won't marry, and that's 2 million families (let's say, 3.5 million children) who won't exist, who won't grow up in Christian households and grow up to beget more Christian kids and so on and so on and so on. Because if sexy, cool guys are around, new guys will be like, "Yeah, that's where I want to be. These guys seem really cool." Just like my BF would have said. We need more single guys in the church, period. Cool, uncool, attractive, or what have you. The hot, cool, manly guys aren't for the girls, per se, but their for the guys. My thought is that we have a higher number of sexy guys, then they will attract more regular guys with their cool manliness. I don't think the 2 million single girls are praying for Mr. Abercrombie model, or Sonny from Madea Goes to Jail. But their presence would encourage the good, regular everyday guy.

The future of the Church depends on what we do now.

Our young adult events are mostly designed by young women who grew up in the church. Last year, young adult social events included, a scavenger hunt, 2 bonfires ,and ice skating. ICE SKATING. Single, sexy, saved guys (0r guys that may want to get saved) love ice skating, right? I've seen many a cute young, single guy go down to the altar for altar call. And then, I never see them again. I never see them in the young adult service. I never see them at the young adult bonfire, or scavenger hunts. The guys who go to those events are, from what I can tell, the guys who were born into the church, or at least got there long before they were twentysomethings.


We need events that will be fun, exciting, and manly. I'm not a single, sexy, cool dude, but if I was, I probably wouldn't want to go ice skating. I might want to go paintballing, or skydiving, drag racing, camping, hunting, attending sporting events, arm wrestling, BMX riding, etc. I have no idea what Manly McBoydude things there are to do, but not ICE SKATING.

Our church leaders probably don't know how dire the situation is. Our church leaders are all married, and their adult children are, too.

So, ladies and fellas, encourage your church leaders, pastors, elders, etc. to minister, attract to the sexy, cool ,lost young guys of the world. Encourage (somehow) the guys that are in church to look and be cooler, so that they'll attract the hot guys of the world. The future of the Church depends on it!

Tell me what you think!

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16.

So, just how do you get a Chrisitian mate?

There are tons of people who think that they have the answer on how to get a question mate. Me, I think I have the questions. Consider the following statements said by married and single Christians alike as keys to finding a mate.

Common statement: Praying, loving, seeking and serving God is the key to getting a Christian mate.
Fact: There are tons of wholly committed Christians who are praying, loving, seeking and serving God who find themselves without a mate. There are people who have been saved and seeking God for years and decades, even, who haven't even so much as been asked out on a date. And then there are people who have been committed Christians for a relatively short amount of time who are find themselves dating, in healthy relationships, and married. Certainly every believer, single and married alike should be praying, loving, seeking, and serving God with all of their hearts, minds, and souls. The fact still remains that many, many, faithful believers remain single. What does this mean? Is it a merit based system?
Common Statement: When you stop looking, that's when you'll find your mate.
Fact: Seek and you shall find. I have a more in depth blog entry "DON'T Seek and You Shall Find" so for a more in depth look at that topic, read that blog entry. Where in the Bible does it say to NOT seek something and you'll find it? DON'T ask and you shall receive? All lot of people have that testimony: "When I stopped looking that's when God blessed me with my mate." I think that God takes some of his believers by surprise when He blesses them. But as far as a solution, the whole "DON'T seek" statement seems somewhat illogical. So it's like a leprechaun? When you try to look for it, it just *poof* disappears? If you know and believe that marriage is a part of the will of God for you life, then you are supposed to not actively seek the will of God for your life?

Like I said, I don't know how it happens, but I have come to recognize that some of the "solutions" that I've heard for many years don't answer everything. I'm beginning to think there's more to it. My prayer is that God shows you, me, and every single and married Christian a more excellent way.

RDH

DON'T seek and you shall find

"I think that God blessed me with my mate the second that I stopped looking. So the key to getting a mate is to just stop looking."

Have you heard statements like this before?

I know I have. I'll ask Christian married or engaged couples how it all started for them, and often they'll answer with a similar response. I began thinking about it in depth.

I'm not sure that the key to getting in a relationship is "quit looking." In no other area of life is the "quit looking" principle of finding something logical or successful. I call this the "leprechaun theory." You know because according to lore, you'll never find a leprechaun if you look for one. You have to just wait for it to pop and find you. I tend not to believe that the will of God is like a leprechaun.

If I lose my car keys and have somewhere that I need to go, I'm going to keep looking for them. In fact, depending upon the urgency with which I need to get to my destination, I'm going to start searching harder. I'm going to get my family and friends in on the search, too.

If I lose a hundred dollar bill, and I need that money for a bill, I'm going to look for it and search till I find it. I'm not going to stop and wait for the wind to blow it to me. That $100 is valuable, and there's a good chance that someone else wants it, too. The last thing that I'm going to do is "quit looking to find" my lost money. I might temporarily suspend my search if I grow frustrated, but once my head is clear, I'm going to resume the search.

Because for me, the depth and thoroughness of my search depends up on the value that I place on object that I'm trying to obtain. Since my $100 and car keys are very valuable to me, I'm going to keep searching and searching.

For many Christian young adults, our desire to marry a Christian mate and have a family is second only in importance to our relationship with God. If marriage is a beautiful institution designed by God to fulfill His purpose in our lives, if it brings glory and honor to God, shouldn't we be doing all we can to seek it? How is pretending that we don't want it, and trying avoid praying for it going to help?

The "quit looking to find" idea isn't Biblical. In fact it's the exact opposite. For example, Philipians 4:6 says : Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer, petition and thanksgiving, present your requests to God. If dating or marriage is our earnest prayer before God, then we ought to be praying,petitioning, and praising God for our mate. We should certainly avoid being anxious about it, but we should be praying for our mate and thanking God for him or her and their imminent arrival in your life.

Matthew 7:7 Ask, seek, knock. Jesus says that we should be asking, seeking, and knocking. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. The Bible doesn't say "DON'T seek it and you shall find." The Bible says, SEEK and you shall find. It doesnt say, "Except for you, ladies. In your case, don't seek and you will get a husband." If the same principle of SEEKING=FINDING works with everything else in life-whether it's finding car keys, a hundred dollar bill, or a job-I really don't see how SEEKING=FINDING somehow is wrong when it comes to dating, love, and relationships.

If you have been trying to "quit looking to find" with no success, then maybe seeking, that is, taking steps to meet and socialize with potential mates might be worth trying to do.

Tell me what you think!

Is your church standing in the way of you getting a man?

Your church just might be standing in the way of you getting a mate.

You might say, “I don’t get it. I want a Christian mate, so church would be the best place to meet Christians. Right?”

WRONG!

Here’s why.

I’m involved and active in the young adult ministry at my culturally diverse megachurch (4000+ attend each weekend) in South Florida. I play guitar in the band, I host (single gendered) cell group at my apartment on Tuesday nights. I’ve known churches that separate home groups by age, or by topic, but this was the first time that I’d been involved in a single gendered group. I’ve known of churches to separate the genders when a sensitive topic is being discussed. I didn’t mind it, really. I’ve enjoyed the fellowship and friendship from the girls in my twentysomething cell group.

I asked why our church decided to separate the cell groups into gender specific groups. My group leader, who I’ll just call Anna, said, “Well, the [church] leaders don’t really want guys and girls coming together in cell groups because then girls might start focusing on the boys and that’s not what cell group is about.”

I kept my usually sarcastic opinion to myself. Separate Christian guys from Christian girls because the worst thing that could happen would be that they like each other and get married? Twentysomething Christian guys and girls getting married would be so catastrophic!

So basically my church leaders made a conscious and willful decision to prohibit guys and girls from socializing and communicating in safe setting. After the monthly young adult service, girls stand around with other girls talking about clothes and babies, and the guys stand around with the other guys talking about sports. I never see guys striking up a conversation with girls or vice versa.

There seems to be some unwritten rule that under no circumstances should you talk to a member of the opposite sex. Everyone just naturally seems to follow this rule. My church seems to have made friendly interaction between co-ed singles some sort of moral taboo to be avoided at all costs. It’s like red sirens and alarms blaring: DANGER! TALKING TO OTHER SINGLES IS DANGEROUS! WRONG! WRONG! This message is of course implicit and not plainly stated, but it’s a message that everyone seems to understand and follow.

For example, I tried talking to a guy once. I literally just asked his name and gave me a look that seemed like an uneasy mix of confusion, discomfort and fear.
“Uh, George,” he said nervously.
“Nice to meet you, George,” Sensing his unease, I smiled at him. I kinda felt sorry for the guy.
“Um, yeah.” He replied.

And that was that. I wasn’t trying to flirt or anything. I was just asking him his name. Now maybe my breath was terrible, or I had a booger in my nose and maybe that freaked him out. But I just seem to think he wasn't used to talking to girls at church. I'd only ever seen him surrounded by guys. Maybe if this guy had been interacting with girls on a regular basis in a cell group, you know, a controlled church setting, then maybe he wouldn’t have been so obviously freaked out by a greeting. I get what the leaders are trying to do: keep young adults safe from frivolous and harmful relationships. It's possible, as this instance with this guy indicates, that the practice of constant gender separation yields socially awkward young adults.

I’m not sure if everyone is just shy “I don’t know what I’d say!” or scared “I couldn’t possibly say hello to him!” Maybe my church is just filled with young adults who think it’s wrong or improper to start a conversation with a guy or gal. I can’t say, but I know that it’s going to be difficult to meet or talk to a guy or gal if your church seems opposed to situations (i.e.; co-ed cell groups) in which you might actually meet or talk to a single gal or guy.



What do you think? Does your church have rules that actually prevent guys and girls from socializing?

Hi, and welcome to my dating blog!

Hey, everyone.

Welcome to my first blog. Glad you're here.

So what's this whole thing about?

It all began with a question: why?

I know so many attractive, accomplished, hardworking, compassionate women who are hoping, praying, and longing for a man. Despite their stellar beauty, outstanding credentials, and superb character, they cannot seem to get a great guy. Then, there are my church friends, who are also excellent in their own ways, have and get in relationships, heck, married even, with ease. So what's the difference between haves and have nots?

I kept asking and seeking, and I've discovered so much. I read books, articles,interviews. I felt that the authors meant well, but they are all not answering a single question. HOW?

There's a wealth of information on what to do once you get in a relationship, but very little info on HOW to get in a relationship. The general consensus seems to be that as a Christian woman, you just kinda pray, wait, and just hope that some random hot, new minister somehow gets the hots for you. I know because that's what I did for years and years with zero dating success.

My ideas that I've shared have angered some, and liberated others.
This blog is a how to, tell all, get real, get serious about love, marriage and singleness. Not just you know, being "happy and single," but getting out of singleness. This blog will give you new, exciting, revolutionary ideas about Christian dating.
Questions that I have:

• Is marriage a merit based system? That is, when a girl finally loves God with all of her heart, God will grant her a man. I seem to hear this idea a lot. Is this Biblical?
• Why is it that only certain cultural demographics of women are getting married in my church?
• Is there really a such thing as "helping God out" in the search for a mate?

Drop me a note, say hello, share your frustrations, hopes. Do you have questions about love and dating that you feel that pastors, dating books, and friends haven't been able to answer?

Get ready to have hope, take heart and take action, ladies!

Love,

RDH